Yesterday, 24 March 2018, was a big day for me. It was the first time in over 4 years I was in front of the camera not toting around one of miniature humans. I have spent literally YEARS pregnant, nursing, and caring for my new babies and my big boy too. (Before you read any further I want to make a very honest and bold statement. This is my personal blog, these are my thoughts, this is about myself and my family, I am not trying to be hurtful to anyone or down play any other woman, this is me.) During those years, I ponder on many of the “what if’s” “What if I never get my top physique back? What if I can’t recover from this c-section? What if all that I ever am is a mom? What if motherhood is my ONLY purpose? What if all the years I spent training were for nothing? What if I can’t get back in shape? What if my husband doesn’t find me attractive anymore? What if my 30’s aren’t as successful as my 20’s? What if….
As women I know that it is a scary place to be in this world full of comparisons to other women. Who told us along the way that we had to compare ourselves to the woman next to us, to the women we see in the magazines or on the TV? Who said we had to be just like the generation before us? Who said those things? I will tell you “who” did, we told ourselves that! Surely the media, print, video, social media, give us daily or even minute by minute reminders that we just don’t add up. But it really comes down to how you view yourself that will actually determine your “what if”. After my babies were born and I was a whopping 240 pounds, the average weight of an NFL team is almost exactly that, don’t believe me https://www.bleedinggreennation.com/2016/7/20/12235242/nfl-average-height-weight-every-team-eagles-data-study-chart-philadelphia check the stats there! I was so depressed. I was waddling around my husband who’s weight is between 185-195. But looks and weight isn’t everything right? Of course not BUT I will offer this. I refuse not to be able to foot race my son down the street. I refuse to tie a towel around my waist while at the pool just to find the right moment to take it off before slipping into the pool so people won’t look at me. I will not set those examples for my children. My children will grow up remembering an active and confident mother. Not a mother who ever spoke about being insecure or self conscience about her body. Not a mother who just sat at the playground and cheered from the nearby picnic table. My daughter will learn to walk through rooms with their heads held high and shoulders pulled back. Walk across that room like every one is watching you and you don’t care one bit. My son will know how to push his body to train for that cross country ski race or hockey game.
So with all that being said, my next door neighbor, owner/operator/photographer Bethany of FrozenMoments photography asked me if I would do a collaborative shoot with her. My heart STOP literally! I never thought I would ever get in front of a camera again, well not unless it was standing with my three kiddos in front of the moose exhibit at the Anchorage zoo. I never thought I would be in front of a camera that wasn’t attached to my handy smart phone. Modeling was a thing I did years ago. It went away after I had two babies in 13 months in my thirties. Now, I am the one piece, c-section, mom of three mid-thirty year old. I do not pose wearing scantily clad attire in front of a camera to capture this new body/shape I am rocking. And then I woke up from that self doubted lapse of judgement I was having and I agreed to do the shoot. But what Bethany and I agreed on was this, I wanted to be photographed as the woman that I truly believe that I am. This fierce and beautiful woman that has been given the best role in raising not one, not two, but THREE humans, I am a woman who has overcome more than I would wish on my worst enemy, I am a woman who will not hesitate to travel any distance for the one my heart loves, I am the woman that has the ability to inspire and motivate those who don’t have it in themselves, I am uniquely created, and my “imperfection” are just my exclusive markings. These things make me, ME. I wanted to get in front of the camera again, in this 34 years old body, after these babies, after the self doubt, after the bad thoughts, after the long depressing dark winter, after holding it down with my husband out of the country. I wanted to do this, again, for me. Because just like each of you reading this, I am good enough.
I want to encourage all of you to take a moment and think about all the ways you self doubt and self sabotage yourself daily! Think about all the times you look in a magazine or at a screen and compare yourself to another. Think about if you, in the skin you are in right now would walk across a pool deck on a summer day with crowds of people sitting there to see. How many of us reading this have ever said out loud in front of our children (even if they weren’t actively in the conversation) some form of self hate on your physical appearance? “the holidays were not good to me I have gained so much weight and now I’m too fat to wear actual pants, so leggings it is” “After I had babies I couldn’t get rid of this pooch” “Before I had you I was so skinny” These comments seem so innocent yet they are planting a seed in your young peoples minds that once we have children it all goes down hill from there. NEWS FLASH, it doesn’t have to! I am not blessed, I don’t have 1 extra hour in my day to workout, I am just as average as the rest I just chose to #1 Love myself in my current skin #2 decide that I want to be better=stronger, fitter, and faster!
I challenge us all, to love ourselves a little more, Love each other a little more. And stop hiding in those pictures! Be proud of the person you are and be fierce!!!
~Stephanie
Photographer: Frozen Moments Photogrpahy, Bethany Irick
Hair & MUA: ShamariVanity
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